The Good Shepherd and a Sheep

First off let me start by saying I grew up a straight up wussy… scared of heights, scared of the exorcist, scared of getting beat up, scared of kicking it to 95% of the girls I had a crush on in my adolescence, fear controlled a great majority of my youth. I cared a lot about what people thought of me and I was kind, but upon advancing in age I began to live a double life. One being the sweet CJ my family and elders loved. They could never see me doing wrong, but in the dark, up to no good. I was different and as I grew up I developed habits of scheming and learned to get away with it seamlessly.

I was baptized as a young boy by the age of 8, from the Catholic Church, for what? I never liked going to church, I used to dream dreams and I believed in GOD but I hated waking up early to sit in mass and perform a ritual no where near as gratifying as when in I was in my dreams. There I felt closer to GOD. I never fully confessed my sins to the Priest and he never knew. Somehow I was always forgiven, but I had to say a few Hail Marys. I always pretended to say them, because I always thought “you don’t even know what I’m doing.” neither confessing my sins or saying anything to Mary. I would just day dream. I was free in my mind, and religion never helped me with what ate me inside. I wanted to be fearless like the gangsters I always saw with stale faces, shooting guns and walking around with machetes. I just wanted to go hard so I can destroy anyone who would ever mess with my mom, or any women in my family.

In my youth I was pretty dumb at life but I could read a book in less than 24hours by the second grade. I could also replicate my favorite Hiphop beats on the piano by listening to them, and playing on my aunts old Casio keyboard. I loved rap music and when I got to the fourth grade I began learning the art of composition. As I grew up I always had fear blocking me from reaching my full potential. I also never believed I could be great at anything. I didn’t even believe I would become what I really wanted to be when I would grow up. I did however pretend, fighting imaginary battles by myself and always winning because hey… there can only be one winner… especially when there is one player… I also constantly played my favorite rap songs on the key board.

I hated school, but it was okay. I could play sports with friends and although I was never formally trained I guess fighting imaginary battles made me a natural athlete. I hated establishments I hated politics I was scared of police. I had a pretty girlfriend in the 1st grade, but I was sitting next to her in music class one day and I just became scared out of nowhere. It was the strangest thing that followed me as I matured… Especially the more I started learning about women and sexual activity. When discovering porn I became even more scared because I thought women would never like me. I was so eager to get down at a young age, It was strange. I was torn apart by fear that was always attacking me. I was drawn to things I was totally ignorant towards, and it hindered my self confidence. Like my double life habits it was something nobody even had a clue about. I had hidden behaviors and hidden vexation because I was just lost.

Moving on to high school. During that time I lost my virginity, started doing stuff I wasn’t supposed to do and getting away with it. I got into fights and sometimes I would black out from shock even a time I got jumped, but by the grace of God I made it out okay.. every time.. I was shrouded in gangs but from seeing what friends of mine that joined gangs turned into, I vowed to never do that… I ended up quitting the football team which I highly excelled in during sophomore year. I was held back because I would skip class to just focus on training and fighting. I learned how to break peoples arms and make them blind and I just wanted to be the best at it. I could still pass tests without going to class or ever paying attention in class, and when I took the ASVAB, I scored second highest out of everybody who took the exam. I made a life choice to become a Marine so I would master dismembering everyone who ever tried me.

So Boom.. I did it! I became a killer, a savage, making money, drinking mad liquor, popping pills, getting women, blah blah blah….. I was emboldened when I realized I may very well end up dying soon but I was also still scared. My combative skills were straight garbage for like the first few months in the fleet… I was an overweight chubby teen looking like a straight up food blister as they would say… although I may have looked like candy I was in the best shape, among top 5, and little did they know I may have been born late but I lived preparing to scrap. I sucked at weapons handling and firing maneuvers for like the first few months. It was a crack in the gate for them to pick on me because all the new guys got picked on, but in terms of handling my own, I was already beating up adults before I got there. I was already getting jumped and I lived in sin but I would call on GOD and He would help me. I couldn’t be taken advantage of for lack of ability to defend myself, and anyone could get it.

In Jordan my boot clumsiness was nipped. I was trained by the illest 0331 in 3/6 asking GOD for help. I began to excel and after enough time I was being considered to be put on board for a meritorious promotion to NCO. Then it all came crashing down. I was on base with hood habits. I got arrested several times and the NCIS even raided my barracks room. I just stood quiet because although I was doing extra curricular activities God was pulling at my heart and even though all of this stuff was happening, it was as if it meant absolutely nothing and my mind just kept getting drawn to Him

I felt GOD calling, and I was caught in a storm! my room mate used to have dreams of demons and one time he asked the demon what they wanted, and from his words… the demon pointed at my rack. At the time I was twisted and thought I could even kill a spirit, so I received his dream with lack of care… while on the other hand conviction weighed on my mind from my way of living and it made me feel like an anti-christ. I was being sorcerous and preaching dogma about Jesus because I felt like God was drawing me. Thankfully despite all of the delusion I was going through, JESUS kept guiding me.

I ended up getting kicked out, all before I was even allowed to legally have a drink. I came back to the neighborhood where I would pursue a music career because my discharge status hindered me from getting lots of jobs. People always said “just lie!” and I felt convicted, so I wouldn’t. Eventually God reduced me to what I call ground zero. My car got stolen that I used for wicked dealings, the hard drive in my laptop crashed, and I lost all my pictures and music (some of which many people from my neighborhood admired.) I was down to no money after storing away thousand upon thousands of dollars, and my Grandpa had cancer…. I decided to tap out… I surrendered my life to Christ and prayed for my grandpa to be healed. I was tired of living a double life and if there was any life I would live, it would be with integrity and approved by GOD… in light and behind closed doors… My grandpa was healed and even more importantly I was saved. I’m still saved and will always be saved. Christ reached down from heaven to free and uplift me. I was hurt on the ground, in need, and even sometimes below the ground quite literally, yet before I could even ask He was with me, guiding me to the cross, and He set me free. I praise the LORD for His Love and mercy.

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